Category Archives: Husband & Wife

As If There Wasnโ€™t Enough Wrong

So, we’ve been down on our luck. Jarrod lost his job not long after Felix was born and had to find a new job. I had planned on staying home with Felix for a while after he was born, but about the time I thought I may wanna go back to work we were not only still dealing with colic, but other developmental concerns, as previous blogged about. We have had serious financial strain since I haven’t been able to work, and have been fund raising to get help paying for rent and bills. And now….

Jarrod was on his way back from Riot Fest in Chicago (tickets and expense money were gifts, not irresponsible spending). He was almost home last night, driving through very dense fog, and being unable to see well, he hit the guardrail-type cable fence along the side of the interstate. HE IS PERFECTLY UNINJURED, which is the important part. But the car’s driver’s side tires were shredded to the point of being non-existent. The car is totally irreparable.

So now we are incredibly broke AND without a car.

Yes, we have insurance. They are trying to work quickly for us, but they said it will probly be 4 days before we hear back from the insurance adjuster. It could be a couple weeks or so before we have any sort of payout to get a replacement. In the meanwhile, we need to find rides for Jarrod to go to work, for grocery / household needs, and most difficult of all, out of town appointments.

Can our luck turn around now? We need some good news. Some good fortune. Something to lift us up.

Meanwhile, I’ll be cuddling Jarrod a lot closer tonight, thankful he made it through that experience alive and unharmed.

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Year By Year

I came across this Instagram photo the other day and it got me thinking about all the changes Iโ€™ve gone through in the last few years.

2016 (April): In the pic on the left I had just started on my journey to becoming healthier, and had already lost about 25 lbs. In this picture, we were in Florida (with my ex-husband) as a family on vacation. It was the first time the boys or I had experienced the ocean or even gone on a family vacation, ever. I thought my life was going well, even though my relationship was on the rocks. I figured weโ€™d work it out. I was working full-time, as was my husband. We were financially stable for the first time in over a decade. We were renting a house, and after we were done on this vacation we went home and bought a new vehicle. I had no idea what was in store for me in the future.

2017 (May): A year later, in the pic on the right, I had lost 60 lbs. and had a Panniculectomy (surgery to remove loose skin on my belly). Pictured here, Iโ€™m showing off my new, leaner body. My husband and I had split up and divorced. I had moved twice since the beach pic. At this time I was dating a life-long friends but he was incredibly verbally, mentally and emotionally abusive. I was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt because of our history, and I wasnโ€™t thinking much about myself. I had been fired from my full-time job due to performance issues, which, looking back, probably had a lot to do with that abusive relationship. I wanted to be home a lot because not only was I worried about being cheated on, but I was worried about the safety of my children.

2018 (April): Jarrod and I had traveled to NC and I got a tubal ligation reversal. During that year, I started a new job delivering pizza at Pizza Hut, I kicked my abusive boyfriend to the curb for the sake of my kids, Jarrod and I found each other (at work) and fell head over heels for each other in a matter of days, we ran off to Colorado and got married, I got a panniculectomy revision and breast reduction, we merged our families into one home, and we decided to expand our family.

2019 (April): The final picture in this seriesโ€ฆ Jarrod and I and our new baby, Felix. In the course of the year, Jarrod had a vasectomy reversal, my middle teenage boy, Evan, had some serious mental health issues that needed to be addressed throughout the year, two of Jarrodโ€™s girls went to live with their mom, I fought a serious infection from my breast reduction resulting and 2 extra surgeries to clean out the infection and a lot of antibiotics for several months. I went through an entire pregnancy resulting in a healthy baby. Jarrod lost his job at Pizza Hut after Felix was born, and Iโ€™ve been staying home with Felix, which has caused us financial turmoil. But he has since found a couple new jobs and things are finally starting to look brighter.

So many changes year-by-year, it really makes me not take anything for granted. I never imagined back in 2016, that I would be where I am now in 2019. In fact, if anyone would have told me, I would have thought they were a fool. I am so very grateful for what I have now, who I have become, for my amazing best friend and husband, and for my growing family. Hereโ€™s to seeing where we are in another year.

Fussy Baby Life

As of next week it will have been four months. Four months since Jarrod and I have had even a moment alone together. Four months since weโ€™ve been able to go out and forget our worries for an hour or two. Four months since we have been able to relax and be husband and wife, best friends, and lovers alone. Four months since one or the other of us wasnโ€™t holding a baby in our arms while trying to go about daily life.

Felix does not allow us to put him down. If we do, he cries. And cries. And cries. We have toys for him. A swing. A bouncy seat. An exersaucer. Play mats. The most time we get out of any of those is about 5 minutes. Then heโ€™s crying again.

Many of our friends and family talked about how excited they were for Felix to be earthside so they could meet him and play with him. Even closer family members…. and here we are four months later and we have not had even one person around enough at all enough for Felix to get to know them. We donโ€™t dare hire a babysitter because Felix would cry non-stop and we are worried about him getting abused or neglected by someone who has less patience for his cries and neediness. Itโ€™s just Jarrod and me.

As for me, it has currently been a year since I was well and whole and able to do things for myself and my family. Last May I was diagnosed with a severe post-breast reduction infection and put on medications that made me very sick. I was on them until November, with 2 surgical cleanings and frequent trips to doctors and having nurses in my home during that time. Once that cleared I was in my 3rd trimester and quite uncomfortably pregnant. And then Felix was born and heโ€™s basically been tethered to me ever since.

Jarrod is admirably working his ass off to support us, his family. And I canโ€™t help but be a little resentful sometimes that he gets to get away most days and get a break from being home. I am at home, day after day, with Felix and the other kids. I try to make supper and keep up with at least some housework. But most of my time is spent with a crying baby in my ear so I canโ€™t even carry on a conversation. He wonโ€™t take naps while playing down in his basinet. He will in a wrap on me sometimes. But generally not for more than 20 minutes at a time. I have no visitors because we canโ€™t even talk. No going anywhere to visit. No grocery shopping. I canโ€™t make supper. The older kids typically fend for themselves for meals.

Then Jarrod will be home after weโ€™re all in bed and Iโ€™ll do my best to make sure he isnโ€™t woke up when Felix gets up 4x a night to eat (breastfed) and stays awake for hours in the middle of the night. He would gladly get up with Felix, but I know he needs rest so he can drive back and forth to work, and also work.

By the time he gets up, I generally barely have time to take a shower, wash bottles, and do a couple things around the house before he has to get ready and leave again and the whole cycle starts over.

We previously thought his issues were colic, but I no longer think that has anything to do with it.

When Jarrod has a day off, Felix doesnโ€™t get nearly as fussy usually. Probably because the frustration isnโ€™t such an issue on those days, because we can pass him back and forth. It is also on those days that some housework can get done, and we can go together and get groceries, and other necessities from the stores, and occasionally go out to eat. But always with Felix with us.

And to go along with it all, Felix is behind on many developmental milestones. He doesnโ€™t smile much at all, and NEVER yet a big, open-mouthed smile. Heโ€™s giggled once or twice staring off into space. He wonโ€™t often look at anyoneโ€™s face. He doesnโ€™t use his hands. Heโ€™s not remotely interested in toys, he wonโ€™t bat or grab at anything. So on top of everything else, Iโ€™m also worried about his development. I think in part, itโ€™s that heโ€™s generally unhappy and has spent so much of his life either in pain (colic and gas) or sick with a virus of some sort.

He does have moments of happiness. He likes baths. Generally for an hour or two in the morning heโ€™s happy. When we leave the house and heโ€™s already in a good mood he does well for a little bit and then just sleeps the rest of the time. He likes being carried around outside and looking at the trees. And he will have a few minutes at a time throughout the day of happiness. Occasionally (and I mean like once every 2-3 weeks) he will have an entire happy day. Those are absolute blessings!

I know this all sounds like one big complaint. Itโ€™s certainly a vent, but not necessarily a complaint. I love Felix with all my heart, and so does Jarrod. We would never in a million years regret having him. Heโ€™s a blessing. But this extremely needy crying stage cannot pass soon enough!

As a side note here: I acknowledge that I have postpartum depression. I am seeking therapy. Meds make me sleep and since Iโ€™m 100% responsible for the household most of the time, itโ€™s not possible to live with that side effect. Itโ€™s hard to feel better, even with therapy, when I never get a break from an extremely needy baby. All I can do is take it one day at a time, one hour at a time, even one minute at a time, until this phase passes and we can move on with life.

The Difference A Year Can Make

One year ago today, about a month and a half after my tubal reversal, and about five days after Jarrodโ€™s vasectomy reversal, Felix was conceived, but we didnโ€™t know for about another two weeks. What a difference a year can make!

Today marks the day we have decided to do it one more time. We want Felix to have a sibling close in age to grow up with. While he had colic I was dead-set against having any more babies. And selfishly, I didnโ€™t want to have more babies because I wanted to do my own thing and be able to have more quality alone-time with my husband. however, even though Felix has 6 much older siblings, he will be growing up in an only-child type lifestyle. I grew up an only child until I was nearly 16 years old, so I know how boring it can be. So to be fair and kind to Felix, weโ€™re giving him a baby brother or sister. No rush, just whenever it happens, it happens. After that, weโ€™re getting permanent/surgical birth control once again.

We canโ€™t wait to see him and another baby grow up having each other. This will be challenging, but so rewarding and so much fun!

My three older boysโ€ฆ And the closeness they shared when they were smaller. โค๏ธ

I Miss My Husband

I miss my husband. Weโ€™ve had the last 2 months together nearly always, every day (until he went back to work). But rarely do we get any time away from Felix. Iโ€™m happy with my decision to breastfeed and co-sleep, but Iโ€™m feeling very ready to have him stay with a trusted family member so Jarrod and I can have an hour or two alone. Whether weโ€™re at home, out to dinner, or whatever. We really need some one on one time to reconnect and talk about things not kid-related. We went from a lot of time together for the last year and a half, to do whatever we felt like, to no time at all. Itโ€™s been a very drastic change. Iโ€™m having a really hard time adjusting, and Iโ€™m pretty sure Jarrod is too. He and I have such a deep connection, and are so deeply in love. I donโ€™t feel any differently than I did when I first fell in love with him. So itโ€™s been hard to have the distance between us that having a newborn creates.

Once Felix is over this viral infection and well again, weโ€™re going to be working our way up to a night out. Iโ€™m sure it wouldnโ€™t take much for Felix to be happy and comfortable with one of our moms. We will start with having him spend an hour or two away from us, and go from there. I know he will grow to love and enjoy visiting his grandmas, and we both certainly want that for him too.

Then Jarrod and I will be able to have our date nights back as well.

Iโ€™m in no hurry for Felix to grow up. I love having a cuddly baby to take care of. But it will be nice to have a little more alone time with my husband again once weโ€™re able.